From time to time I’ll be watching a movie or TV show and one of the characters will do or say something so incredibly dumb or unrealistic that I have to suppress the urge to start throwing things at the screen! I will not be including cooking shows with hosts who touch everything in the kitchen but don’t wash their hands once or advise viewers to wash their hands. I also won’t be including cooking shows with hosts who leave their hair loose so that guests can potentially find a long ass hair in their salad. I won’t even include those cooking shows whose hosts wear a ton of frigging jewelry on their hands and wrists and stick their glittery nail polish adorned fingers into things presenting a major contamination hazard because we’ll be here all damn day! I will even refrain from talking about cooking show hosts who seem to confuse their kitchens with the circus and decide to stack EVERY INGREDIENT OF THE RECIPE on top of each other and barely manage to get over to the counter without dropping everything rather than just grabbing a few items at a time and going back and forth while they speak. Hell, you’re on a major network, I’m sure someone could spring for a MFing cart you can place everything on to and wheel around the kitchen like an intelligent human being.
So let’s start shall we?
A Mirror Has Two Faces
Ok, I LOVE this movie:) I love Barbara Streisand, I want to have babies with Jeff Bridges, I ADORE Lauren Bacall, I love Sting, I love the story. I mean I love everything about this movie! I can even relate to Barbara Streisand’s character, the smart but frumpy English professor who is invisible to men especially when around her fashion plate sister and mother. That being said, it drives me absolutely batshit crazy that throughout the movie Rose pulls raw carrots and celery from all kinds of places around the house but what REALLY burns my toast is when she’s at the gym. Now, as you may or may not be aware the gym is full of lots of people sweating all over the machines and equipment. Most of the time these people don’t wipe the machines down afterwards and even if they do, who knows what’s in those spray bottles the gym provides to wipe down the equipment between sets. Anyway, Rose is doing her thing at the gym. She uses the bench press machine, stops because her pectoral muscles are sore, reaches off camera to pick up a RAW PIECE OF CELERY AND EATS IT!!! GERMS! SKIN CELLS! BACTERIA! GAH!!!
Friends: Monica Gellar
So this formerly obese beautiful but completely neurotic woman who is obsessed with cleaning and has to have everything just so is also a chef. Now you would think having all her OCD qualities would make her a fantastic chef with a super clean kitchen and yeah she probably is a nightmare to work with. However, on several occasions she has made mistakes so incredibly stupid that you have to wonder where she went to school! For instance, in episode 5 of season 2, Monica finally gets promoted to head chef of her restaurant and in celebration she makes everyone a nice steak dinner (eggplant for the vegetarian Pheebs) because there were some leftover at the restaurant. Now this was already a red flag because I think unless you’re the owner of a restaurant, employees aren’t necessarily allowed to take home “leftovers” out of inventory. It turns out the “leftovers” were actually a gift from a restaurant vendor also known in the industry as a kickback! Management finds out about it and fires Monica who insists “it was a gift not a kickback!” C’mon lady, if you’d had the proper training or been working in the industry long enough you KNOW gifts from vendors and kickbacks are the same damn thing!
Then there was the time when Monica and Phoebe were working her catering business and were hired for a function of Monica’s mother. The party is in full swing and Monica realizes in horror that one of her artificial purple finger nails has disappeared sometime during prep and is probably nestled in one of the guest’s quiches! Once again, had she been properly trained or if she’s working in the industry long enough she would know YOU DO NOT WEAR NAIL POLISH OR FAKE NAILS WHEN COOKING! Or at the very least she should have worn gloves to prevent physical contaminants like fake nails falling into the food she was preparing. Then she has the nerve to get mad when her mom, in anticipation of a colossal screw up, whips out some lasagnas from the freezer.
Friends: Emma’s birthday cake
Ok, this show seems to be on a roll with unrealistic food stuff. Then again this is the same show that depicts a group of friends living in Manhattan who apparently never ever lock their doors yet aren’t murdered in their sleep or robbed (except when Joey was stupid enough to get locked in that entertainment center). Anyway, Rachel decides to get a fancy bunny cake for her baby’s first birthday but goes ALL the way the hell in New Jersey to get it! Of course, on the way home she discovers the cake isn’t of a bunny but a penis and there’s no way to go back and get a replacement before the place closes for the night.
First of all, I don’t think I want to even KNOW about a bakery that will make up a penis shaped cake for a 1 year old girl’s birthday and not think twice about it. Second, who the hell picks up a cake and DOESN’T check to make sure it’s correct before leaving ESPECIALLY when coming as far as she did? Third, really? In the entire city of Manhattan, in ALL 5 boroughs of New York City, in the fru fru area of the Hamptons or where ever they grew up, you mean to tell me neither Ross nor Rachel could find A SINGLE BAKERY that could handle making the kid a friggin bunny cake? Ya know what? That’s what you get you pretentious nerk! Next time do what true New Yorkers do and get that little girl a friggin Carvel cake!!!
Unfortunately that’s all I can think of right now although I know there are tons more examples. Anyway, Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day! Aaar!